ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
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Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
can’t bark with your mouth full
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*