My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
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Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”