Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
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age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
crochet youtube is brutal
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes