famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
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Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
This hospital has everything
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking