The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
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I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Its true…
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.