New mindset, who dis?
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Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I am patiently waiting for your email
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu