I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
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Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.