Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
You Might Also Like
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Someone just threatened to call me later
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
✌🏽
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing