I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
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I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.