Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
You Might Also Like
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to