Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
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[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I just ran a .003048K
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.