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[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Not messing around
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”