I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
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nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
X-tra spooky blend
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?