Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
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My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Straight people are cancelled
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
🍛
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.