After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
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Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Sign at work today
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.