How long do you have to wait between naps?
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.