If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
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[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”