How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
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Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me