Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
☺️
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
“no gods no masters” = leo
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO