BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
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Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast