“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
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I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem