One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
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4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Weirdly Wednesday.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke