I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
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Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.