*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
You Might Also Like
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Those are good neighbors.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.