Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
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Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated