ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
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[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence