Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
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So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob