All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
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Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.