BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
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God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.