I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
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now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.