Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
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Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.