Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
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“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist