What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
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saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Welcome
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd