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[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Netflix and you sit over there.