And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
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the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
#parenting
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”