Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
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Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem