I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
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I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
How can I say no to this ?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.