Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
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bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
the #horror is real!
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
some things should go without saying
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming