5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
never forget
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Doctors texting each other.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.