*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
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Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji