How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
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My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I have never related to anyone more.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.