GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
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“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.