So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
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HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.