Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
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The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.