In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Finally!
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams