[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
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funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Britain be like
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Who’s your best friend?
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
[the middle of showering] I need a break
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk