When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
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I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
what?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.