Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
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I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”