I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
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Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.