All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
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90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.